Caritas in Veritatis, Speaking the Truth in Love

Christians can be some of the kindest, most gracious people on the planet, but when it comes to dealing with difficult family situations they hate honest confrontation at all costs. Then, when they are desperately needed to speak out most and battle for good, many lose their nerve, don't feel it's their place or somehow don't think it would be Christian-like to advise another about how to treat his wife and family. This is especially true when it comes to marital difficulties and abuse. And, it's particularly the case with men.

Our wide circle of Christian friends and community at large was oblivious to anything other than the outward appearance of our nice-looking family, active with four wonderful children, all doing interesting things... and when I finally got brave enough to share our troubles, they chose to believe that the ongoing emotional and verbal abuse I had experienced with the children over the years and that had intensified was just a bump in our family road. We all struggle. We all have our demons. In their defence, I myself perpetuated their denial by remaining silent on many occasions. I chose to be as positive as possible in my outward portrayal of my husband and situation. I was naive and firm in my own "trust that God would heal us to a testimonial level". But, obviously, that healing didn't take place.

When I did finally reach out, so stressed and no longer well emotionally, those who knew us and the abuse preferred benign neglect, offerings of prayer and empty consolations to real straight-up talk. Where were those friends, especially those men who my husband might have listened to, when I was in critical need, when he needed to be held accountable with direct confrontation and when our family was desperate for timely intervention? Where was the following conversation?

Don't you see what you're doing? You are going to lose your wife! You have been married almost a quarter of a century and you have both spent your lives creating a family, a legacy. All this time your wife has built you up, encouraged you, given you a good name, home, children and life. Nothing's perfect, but a beautiful mess, a tangle of hope and healing. If you continue, however, in your pride, and your hard-heartedness rules, your family will never be the same.
Choose love. Choose to care for her instead.
Choose to tell her you still love her, whether you feel like it or not at the moment. Fight like a champion for your relationship, for your marriage and children.
Live separately, if you need to, but support her financially as you go through this struggle. Don't abandon her.
Don't punish her. And don't kick her out of the home you've created together! Don't force her to make desperate decisions. She needs you now more than ever.
She is worth it. Love her. Fiercely. Forever.

Last night I watched a video of Paster Saeed's return * to American soil after three unimaginably horrendous years of torture and imprisonment.
"None of us in America can begin to understand or appreciate what Saeed has endured after being imprisoned in Iran because of his Christian faith," Franklin Graham, head of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association, said in a statement.
* I believe this is Saeed Abedini's sister, not his wife, Nagmeh, in the video.

I can never imagine walking in Saeed's footsteps. Only God knows his and their pain, their struggles. In the end only God can heal. I've prayed for Saeed almost daily during these last three years. I've posted things on my facebook wall, have a photo of Nagmeh and children on my computer and have been distressed that Obama and the US Administration would strike a deal with Iran while American citizens, Saeed and three other American prisoners languished, near death sometimes, in prison.

Then, last week I read of Nagmeh's private confession of abuse within her marriage that unfortunately became public. I immediately understood her unwillingness to speak out openly and her experiencing anguish over how to stop the abuse and make a stand for change. You know, a woman's bravery can end a marriage. I trembled to think of her first steps toward healing and the repercussions and began to pray for her and those around her.

Before going to bed I scrolled through hundreds of comments about this looking for one Christian man that confronted this situation directly and honestly. There are many things I might not understand, but I simply want to ask the community around this precious family to boldly speak the truth in love, starting with my personal plea:

Dear Pastor Saeed,
We all care so much about you and your family. Do you see what is happening? You might lose your wife! You have been married all this time and through the most terrible of circumstances and your wife has stood by you, fought and lived for you. All this time your wife has built you up, given you a good name, children and a life together. Not perfect, but a beautiful mess, a tangle of hope and healing. If you continue unchanged, however, your family will never be the same.
Choose love. Choose to care for her.
Choose to tell her you still love her, whether you feel like it or not at the moment. Fight like a champion for your relationship, for your marriage and children.
Live separately, if you need to, but support her as you go through this struggle. Don't abandon her! Don't punish her! Don't force her to make desperate decisions. She needs you now more than ever. She is worth it.  Love her. Fiercely. Forever.
Thank you and God bless you.

Best articles on the situation - A Final Word on Saeed AbediniAs my friend, Moorea, said, "Go Dark and Keep Praying.
Naghmeh Abedini reveals why she filed a domestic relations case against Pastor Saeed